I made a social media post recently that showed a selfie taken 9 years ago, alongside a selfie taken yesterday and "it had me all in my feels" (is that even a pop phrase these days?).
It all started because I'm marking a certain #milestoneBirthday this year and it's hitting me harder than all of the usual culprits of the past.
Emotionally-speaking, aging can be difficult...even bittersweet and I know that to be true by watching the experience through someone else's eyes all throughout my life.
But boy.... is it different when YOU'RE the one doing the aging.
It's not vanity speaking, either.
(Although the fact that I'm missing a few teeth now and can't wear my beloved mascara and tastefully applied eye makeup anymore and my skin can't make up its mind whether it's going to break out like a teenager or be so dry it could scratch an alligator these days...DOES get me down a bit; I'm not gonna lie.)
That post wasn't about "how I looked then vs now", although the "look at the pictures but don't read" -type friends counted among the post visitors responded with the polite and kind (all-be-it automatic) chorus of: "you look beautiful" and "that's okay, you still have those beautiful eyes going for you!"
It was about how it has all-of-a-sudden hit me that I am running out of time.
I've been down in the dumps a little more than usual the past month and it's starting to show. The "Purpose Driven Life" I thought I was supposed to be living, has taken its toll on my looks AND my spirit.
"Losing your looks" is inevitable, so I don't care about that part. I've even stopped experimenting with coloring my hair to try and make my appearance match my energy.
No, what I lament is that I haven't really lived a Life....even though the lines in my face say otherwise.
I don't recognise any of the milestones I'd set for myself as the measure against which I could determine if I've lived a successful, purpose-filled or experience-rich Life, as dreamt up by my child-self nearly 6 decades ago.
When you spend your whole life in service to others ...regardless of who the "others" are to you (whether it be family, your own children, or private duty "clients" under Hospice care or "Residents staying with us" in a Nursing Home or long term care facility or "customers" of a retail establishment, or "shoppers" at the Deli you worked in or, yes, even VIP Portrait Clients-turned-Friends as I have) ...it hits you, HARD, when you're facing the final third of your OWN life and find that you didn't take the time to care for yourself along the way.
You haven't "Lived" a Life. You've existed. You've helped others live a Life and that part makes you happy inside.
But, "I know my turn will come eventually" becomes such a fluid mantra that you don't even realize that you've trained that inner voice to say it before your brain even thinks it aloud.
I met an amazing young lady while waiting for my lunch order yesterday. She was dressed in what looked like a uniform to me and was waiting for her order, placed before mine.
Before we knew it; offering to share a seat went from a polite "No, thanks...I sit ALL day at work and it's not good for me", to sharing some deep contemplation on aging. This is the part where the other person usually winds up telling me their entire life story but instead; it was me who felt safe enough to open up to her.
During the course of the exchange, I got to the part where I shared how much I hope I've fulfilled my purpose by the time this Life is up...and how unimportant it has suddenly become for me to "find my purpose"at all, in favor of simply "living a life".
(I actually think that IS the only purpose for living a Life....that the journey is different for all of us...but we define it by what we do with the time we have here and what we do not do, too.)
She shared with me how her faith has shown her the importance of "today", that while she recognises the importance of planning for the future and deferring one's one needs in favor of those of another's, temporarily....she also values those moments when she can stop and just "breathe".
Because it's in THOSE moments that "Now" becomes the only time there is.
Tomorrow isn't here... yesterday is past.
Now is all she has.
Now is all any of us have.
And as fast as we say its name.... "Now", is gone....
In the Blink of an Eye.
For me; the future has suddenly become unimportant in favor of "Today".
Speculation on what surprises tomorrow may bring... is suddenly a time and energy waster, to me, because I've lived an entire lifetime focused on
the "future" ,
and
"tomorrow" ,
and when I grow up, I'm going to be _______" ,
and
"when the kids grow up, I'm finally going to __________"
and
"when I make enough money, I'll be SO happy to ______" ,
and
"I hope I get to live to see the day my youngest grandchildren get married and have babies of their own".
I didn't even notice when my Lifetime came....
and went....
"In the Blink of an Eye"
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